My therapist and I have been discussing mania, my views of it and how it affects me. When I’m “manic” I feel as if I’m on top of the world and I am ravenous for constant movement. I think it can be fun to be manic because it shrouds the depression I feel so well that at some points I’ve induced it just because I wanted to not be so sad. It’s my own type of painkiller. It gives me more confidence, it makes me feel great, it’s a hard thing to give up which is why I go off my meds so often. I know it’s like smoking or drinking in a way it’s how I repress my terrible thoughts, and sad memories acting like nothings wrong and nothing ever happened. But once I go back on those meds and come out of a manic episode everything floods back. Experiencing mania is one of my main vices.
I have been thinking about death a lot. Whether it’s my own or whether it’s other peoples. Death is seen as such a sad thing yet it brings a celebration to people’s lives. I know I want to die. I know I want my life to be over, not for the celebration but to rid the exhaustion. The constant ups and downs, the constant change in life, whether it be school, jobs, or friends. I have wanted to die for so long yet I haven’t tried hard enough yet.
I have been hospitalized 4 times in the past two years, each for wanting to commit suicide. One time, my friends even called the cops on me for it because they were so worried about me. The stays although somewhat short were effective, at least that’s what I thought. I was able to think a lot, color (shown above), go to groups, make friends, etc. Yet even after it all the feeling that suicide is still what my path leads to has not fleeted from my head, whether it be daily, weekly, or monthly, the feeling always reappears. I chose this picture because this is how my emotions and mind feels, in constant waves, rocky, and trippy. People constantly tell me “You’re strong, you can get through this.” That’s not how I feel though. Everyday it gets harder to get out of bed, even to want to get out of bed. This is a lifelong journey, keyword long. How am I supposed to want to fight for others, for my life, if I barely want to fight for it myself.
I can’t keep promising I will be here tomorrow, and I am tired of feeling numb. I really don’t know what there is to do at this point, because I feel there’s all ready so much that’s been done. “Keep fighting, keep going” (fuck that).
I have not posted in awhile, I have been getting back home and getting into the swing of things. I have not been feeling great either, I am trying to keep pushing but it’s hard. I think the hardest part of going through a depressed spell is losing interest in a lot of things. I used to get excited about little things like eating, getting to hangout with some of my friends, going for a drive, and now all I want to do is sleep. It’s tough I actually wrote something years ago, that I am going to share, before I was on medication and before I sought out more help, yet I still feel this way a lot:
“It kills me just to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. To live in constant fear that this grey cloud is going to come over me and I can’t control how long it will take for it to pass. Feeling like everything I do is wrong and that there is no point for me to really be on this earth because I am worthless. Looking in the mirror and bursting into tears because I just can’t look at myself without seeing all the negativity. Starting to push friends away and out of my life for no reason besides the fact that I just want to be alone and then I say something is wrong with them but really I’m the one that’s fucked up. I’m constantly crying, constantly getting mad for no reason, constantly worrying about school, friends, life in general, constantly having this feeling of exhaustion and constantly having a lack of motivation. But the worse is those days where it randomly clears up and I feel happy of course in the back of my head I know that this will not last long and I know that I am just going to go through the same storm again. I am so tired of waiting for it all to pass. To just be happy at this point seems so unlikely and will probably never happen. I wish I wasn’t like this but I can’t help it. I wish it would just go away but I do not know if it ever will and that’s what scares me the most.”
I have come far, from this but it sucks that I am not “cured” and do not know if I ever will be. The only thing to do is to keep moving even when I really do not want too. I thought this photo fit this topic, the sky is almost completely gray but there’s still a little light coming my way just have to wait for it.
I had a great day today, but yesterday I was all over the place, very irritated, sad, and upset because of issues with my prescriptions and being able to obtain them. Dealing with health insurance providers (4 different ones) is very tiring and confusing. SO yesterday I told myself “this week is awful.” I really believed it. But then this morning I got up, did a small workout, made myself an iced latte, and just took my time. I felt like I was in a good mood for a lot of today which seems to be rarer recently. Looking back I was kind of disappointed in myself for saying that about this week, I felt immature and it was as if I was back in high school. One day junior year I was talking to my friend complaining about that day and week during homeroom. I turn to my teacher and said “Mr. Newton, this week stinks! I hate it.” And he said to me (in a very snarky tone if I might add) “Really Sara? It’s only Monday?” with a questioning look. And for some reason this really stayed with me, I think about this a few times throughout the year; especially if I’m really depressed and barely have enough energy to get out of bed. I think to myself it could be a bad day but it’s not a bad week or month. So even if your Monday is bad, remember it’s just the beginning and something great may happen the next day. Patience.
A few weeks ago I got into a sadness spell, to be honest I think I had not taken one of my medications, but I was very sad and having terrible thoughts. I had gone to my therapist balling my eyes out saying I just don’t really know why it’s worth it, life. He asked me to dwell on this question “What does a good life mean to you?” At first, I was like the hell do I know I’m 21. But randomly I was typing up as much as I could think of, I started making lists of what makes me happy, what makes me who I am, etc. And I had so many thoughts then, finally, I thought back to this one time when my personality of psychology teacher asked us to do an interview on Erikson’s stages. The very last one is “Ego Integrity vs Despair” basically you look back and feel unfulfilled, unaccomplished, depressed etc you develop despair. In ego integrity it’s the opposite, and that’s what I decided my answer is. A good life, is a life where I can look back and be able to feel happy with almost everything I have done, and remember mostly happy memories. It’s easier said than done to fulfill this but I am working on it one breath at a time.
It’s been kind of crazy these past few days. I have been dog sitting a long with my boyfriend, her name’s Faye, such a brat.. but I all ready miss her. It was like having a child; crying a lot, figuring out what is bothering her, but it was so wonderful she really taught me a lot these past few days (and she is very intelligent herself which helps). First, getting up and starting out with some exercise in the morning. I have had issues with exercising whether it be too much or too little but she was kind of teaching me it’s okay to not do it often as long as you’re enjoying it and you should do something to get your blood flowing. She loves exercising! We took her to a park and she was just running as fast as she could. She looked so happy, it made me happy, below is a photo of her swimming in the pond water. It was here that she taught me, the cliché, enjoy the small stuff, and it’s okay to get a little dirty or take a leap every once in awhile.
PS My boyfriend also randomly saved this hawk, it’s a coopers hawk, it was hit by a car and had very bad head trauma. The mom was so upset when she could no longer fly with her baby. We are hoping they will be back together soon. It’s funny because I am staying with my boyfriends family in Pennsylvania and both of the boys are officially off to college and the hawks mom is like their mom sad to see them go and feeling a little lost and scared without them. Animals are our teachers too.
My names Sara, I’m kind of new to this, blogging I mean, I do have other social medias like Facebook but to me those are pointless to post on, to really vent about anything, brag about yourself, whatever it is it involves talking about you and at that point you might as well make an entire blog about yourself? Am I right?
I figured I would take the time to make a quick introduction. I am 21, from Hanover, Massachusetts south of Boston. I am kind of crazy, I love listening to (and hopefully helping) people that may be going through something or just need someone to talk too. No matter their age, gender, race, etc. SO Please feel free to message me and vent to me about whatever, I have heard a lot of horrible things in my lifetime, and I believe even if you take thirty minutes to listen to someone, it may help. I have been through a lot myself and hope that through this site I will inevitably be able to discuss it, in short, I have a lot of mental health issues and they will be brought up, I am hoping that I will be able to follow others throughout their journeys or people that just make me laugh in general and hopefully they will follow me too. Thank you.