I have not posted in awhile, I have been getting back home and getting into the swing of things. I have not been feeling great either, I am trying to keep pushing but it’s hard. I think the hardest part of going through a depressed spell is losing interest in a lot of things. I used to get excited about little things like eating, getting to hangout with some of my friends, going for a drive, and now all I want to do is sleep. It’s tough I actually wrote something years ago, that I am going to share, before I was on medication and before I sought out more help, yet I still feel this way a lot:
“It kills me just to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. To live in constant fear that this grey cloud is going to come over me and I can’t control how long it will take for it to pass. Feeling like everything I do is wrong and that there is no point for me to really be on this earth because I am worthless. Looking in the mirror and bursting into tears because I just can’t look at myself without seeing all the negativity. Starting to push friends away and out of my life for no reason besides the fact that I just want to be alone and then I say something is wrong with them but really I’m the one that’s fucked up. I’m constantly crying, constantly getting mad for no reason, constantly worrying about school, friends, life in general, constantly having this feeling of exhaustion and constantly having a lack of motivation. But the worse is those days where it randomly clears up and I feel happy of course in the back of my head I know that this will not last long and I know that I am just going to go through the same storm again. I am so tired of waiting for it all to pass. To just be happy at this point seems so unlikely and will probably never happen. I wish I wasn’t like this but I can’t help it. I wish it would just go away but I do not know if it ever will and that’s what scares me the most.”
I have come far, from this but it sucks that I am not “cured” and do not know if I ever will be. The only thing to do is to keep moving even when I really do not want too. I thought this photo fit this topic, the sky is almost completely gray but there’s still a little light coming my way just have to wait for it. 
Looking back I was kind of disappointed in myself for saying that about this week, I felt immature and it was as if I was back in high school. One day junior year I was talking to my friend complaining about that day and week during homeroom. I turn to my teacher and said “Mr. Newton, this week stinks! I hate it.” And he said to me (in a very snarky tone if I might add) “Really Sara? It’s only Monday?” with a questioning look. And for some reason this really stayed with me, I think about this a few times throughout the year; especially if I’m really depressed and barely have enough energy to get out of bed. I think to myself it could be a bad day but it’s not a bad week or month. So even if your Monday is bad, remember it’s just the beginning and something great may happen the next day. Patience.
A few weeks ago I got into a sadness spell, to be honest I think I had not taken one of my medications, but I was very sad and having terrible thoughts. I had gone to my therapist balling my eyes out saying I just don’t really know why it’s worth it, life. He asked me to dwell on this question “What does a good life mean to you?” At first, I was like the hell do I know I’m 21. But randomly I was typing up as much as I could think of, I started making lists of what makes me happy, what makes me who I am, etc. And I had so many thoughts then, finally, I thought back to this one time when my personality of psychology teacher asked us to do an interview on Erikson’s stages. The very last one is “Ego Integrity vs Despair” basically you look back and feel unfulfilled, unaccomplished, depressed etc you develop despair. In ego integrity it’s the opposite, and that’s what I decided my answer is. A good life, is a life where I can look back and be able to feel happy with almost everything I have done, and remember mostly happy memories. It’s easier said than done to fulfill this but I am working on it one breath at a time.
