My therapist and I have been discussing mania, my views of it and how it affects me. When I’m “manic” I feel as if I’m on top of the world and I am ravenous for constant movement. I think it can be fun to be manic because it shrouds the depression I feel so well that at some points I’ve induced it just because I wanted to not be so sad. It’s my own type of painkiller. It gives me more confidence, it makes me feel great, it’s a hard thing to give up which is why I go off my meds so often. I know it’s like smoking or drinking in a way it’s how I repress my terrible thoughts, and sad memories acting like nothings wrong and nothing ever happened. But once I go back on those meds and come out of a manic episode everything floods back. Experiencing mania is one of my main vices.
*this is just my opinion and the way I feel
Looking back I was kind of disappointed in myself for saying that about this week, I felt immature and it was as if I was back in high school. One day junior year I was talking to my friend complaining about that day and week during homeroom. I turn to my teacher and said “Mr. Newton, this week stinks! I hate it.” And he said to me (in a very snarky tone if I might add) “Really Sara? It’s only Monday?” with a questioning look. And for some reason this really stayed with me, I think about this a few times throughout the year; especially if I’m really depressed and barely have enough energy to get out of bed. I think to myself it could be a bad day but it’s not a bad week or month. So even if your Monday is bad, remember it’s just the beginning and something great may happen the next day. Patience.
A few weeks ago I got into a sadness spell, to be honest I think I had not taken one of my medications, but I was very sad and having terrible thoughts. I had gone to my therapist balling my eyes out saying I just don’t really know why it’s worth it, life. He asked me to dwell on this question “What does a good life mean to you?” At first, I was like the hell do I know I’m 21. But randomly I was typing up as much as I could think of, I started making lists of what makes me happy, what makes me who I am, etc. And I had so many thoughts then, finally, I thought back to this one time when my personality of psychology teacher asked us to do an interview on Erikson’s stages. The very last one is “Ego Integrity vs Despair” basically you look back and feel unfulfilled, unaccomplished, depressed etc you develop despair. In ego integrity it’s the opposite, and that’s what I decided my answer is. A good life, is a life where I can look back and be able to feel happy with almost everything I have done, and remember mostly happy memories. It’s easier said than done to fulfill this but I am working on it one breath at a time.
