I have come far, but it still is not enough (yet)

I have not posted in awhile, I have been getting back home and getting into the swing of things. I have not been feeling great either, I am trying to keep pushing but it’s hard. I think the hardest part of going through a depressed spell is losing interest in a lot of things. I used to get excited about little things like eating, getting to hangout with some of my friends, going for a drive, and now all I want to do is sleep. It’s tough I actually wrote something years ago, that I am going to share, before I was on medication and before I sought out more help, yet I still feel this way a lot:

“It kills me just to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. To live in constant fear that this grey cloud is going to come over me and I can’t control how long it will take for it to pass. Feeling like everything I do is wrong and that there is no point for me to really be on this earth because I am worthless. Looking in the mirror and bursting into tears because I just can’t look at myself without seeing all the negativity. Starting to push friends away and out of my life for no reason besides the fact that I just want to be alone and then I say something is wrong with them but really I’m the one that’s fucked up. I’m constantly crying, constantly getting mad for no reason, constantly worrying about school, friends, life in general, constantly having this feeling of exhaustion and constantly having a lack of motivation. But the worse is those days where it randomly clears up and I feel happy of course in the back of my head I know that this will not last long and I know that I am just going to go through the same storm again. I am so tired of waiting for it all to pass. To just be happy at this point seems so unlikely and will probably never happen. I wish I wasn’t like this but I can’t help it. I wish it would just go away but I do not know if it ever will and that’s what scares me the most.”

I have come far, from this but it sucks that I am not “cured” and do not know if I ever will be. The only thing to do is to keep moving even when I really do not want too. I thought this photo fit this topic, the sky is almost completely gray but there’s still a little light coming my way just have to wait for it. IMG_3243

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